How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards