8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
😲 WTF? 😆
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
real
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn