I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
the answer was staring at me all along
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.