Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“Sheer Arrogance”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
How wrong was this guy?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Happy birthday to all the women
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!