[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.