Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?