My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.