*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Cndnsd Mlk
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.