I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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Where is your GOD now????
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
fr
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Krampus.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.