My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
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BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work