[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
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It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
That stupid look on my face, is my face
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”