I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
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On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is