Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Monday
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.