I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
😎 🍻
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Not helping
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
How does one answer this?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”