Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
This is my pinned tweet
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
They’re on their honeymoon
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?