The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
You Might Also Like
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
This is my emotional support knife.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.