*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?