My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest