NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
#Caturday
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Guys, I found it.