I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
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who wants to go expliring
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy