pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
You Might Also Like
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
All generalizations are stupid.
Dance like you’re not the father
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?