EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation