Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.