My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.