When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING