5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.