Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Sharon, call the vet
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces