Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
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ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
That’s classic.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715