If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.