Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
You Might Also Like
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Don’t talk down to me
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
why isn’t thunder called soundning
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.