You Might Also Like
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
We avoided this particular disaster
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.