the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.