The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭