I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”