Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
You Might Also Like
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
lmao
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles