Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Every work call, he judges.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR