mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
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I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”