MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”