me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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Aw man, but that’s the best part
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
wishing you and yours all the best
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Was it something I said?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.