Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
How is it still this week?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Geez man, take it easy.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.