Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.