It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Only a mother’s love …
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there