In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain