o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
(Musicians.)
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying