Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My fortune cookie fortune:
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
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