me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
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KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work