Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*