[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..