Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there