* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.